Rachel. Maine. Twenty-two. Aquarius. Fourth year in college.

I post what I like.

Personal Posts & Pictures

My life consists of eating, going to work, going to class, and a wholeeeee lot of sleeping,

Gotta make that money.

I question things every day. Would you still have gone through all that chemo if you had known you would die so soon regardless?

When someone has a $120 tab with you…. but tips you the bare minimum.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. I did not just spend my 6 hour shift waiting on you for a $15 tip.

I get to work tomorrow, thursday, saturday and sunday. I’m so excited to have a job again and to be able to save some money.

Fuck. Yeah.

Tomorrow should be interesting.

I have an interview at a doggy daycare at 9 which I’m iffy about and then at 1 I go do an orientation or something at the club for my cocktail waitressing job.

I’m excited but nervous. 

Nighttime is the worst.
I’m weary and just want rest, but my mind has other plans.
Worries, doubts, fears, and everything negative floats to my mind at night no matter how much I try to side step them.

During the day I can handle myself.
Get dressed, look suitable, make it through the day.

But nighttime. Nighttime is dark.
Both literally and figuratively.
I don’t know when that happened.
I used to welcome the night, but now I dread it.
No guiding light in view and so I stumble along.
Trying to grasp onto anything that may help.

Yes, nighttime is definitely the worst.

Some days it doesn’t feel real.

Maybe I’ll walk downstairs and this would have been all a dream.
You’ll be sitting in your chair with that pink pillow and black fuzzy blanket and your slippers underneath the foot rest.
You’ll say something about why am I not cold considering I only wear a tank top and shorts around the house.
You’ll ask me if I’ve done all my homework and hassle me if I say no.
I’ll hear you on the phone with Joanne, laughing about one thing or another.
And if I have a bad day I can just come to you and talk, just like always.
I could sit on the arm of your chair with you and just show you something stupid I found or watch a little tv.

But I can’t do any of that, because you’re not here anymore.
And no one knows quite how much I miss you; or understands.

And some days, it’s all too real and it hurts that much more.

I hope you know how much I love you mom, and how much I miss you.

I just want a break. I just need something to go according to plan for more than one day.

Because this, this is some serious bullshit and it’s hard to be positive about things when it’s just one thing after the other.